Subs are so lucky to be able to easily research the Dominatrices they’re interested in seeing these days. There’s a plethora of pics and information available on social media and blogs. But sometimes seeing what a Domme gets up to with her other slaves can cause some consternation.
“Mistress I saw you post about ballbusting on Twitter and it scared me.”
“Mistress I saw your piercing pics on Fetlife, too crazy!”
“Your heavy humiliation posts are so intense, you won’t do that in MY session will you.”
If you’re an inexperienced kinkster or someone who likes to play at a light level (some people like to play lightly and that’s completely ok! It’s not a competition!) and you follow experienced (and sometimes not so experienced) Dommes on social media, odds are you’ve seen posts about activities that make you uncomfortable. It might be that the activity is in your area of interest but far too intense for your tastes or experience level. It could be that the activity is completely outside of your field of interest. Perhaps you don’t “get” how people could be interested in it. Perhaps you have concerns about the safety of the activity?
Sometimes this concern amuses me a little because Domme’s don’t just kidnap slaves off the street and start doing crazy and extreme things to them (although that DOES make for a fun roleplay scenario). Yes some of us play very hard indeed but it takes place within carefully negotiated, consensual boundaries. Often, more intense scenes take place between individuals who have a considerable play history together and have built up a strong foundation of trust. (yes even in professional kink relationships) Risks are evaluated and managed.
A few important points to keep in mind when you come across a “scary” kink post from a Domme you follow:
1. Consent is key.
Remember that consent is the keystone to healthy kink. It’s incredibly likely that that intense post you saw was the result of a huge amount of negotiation, trust and mutual enjoyment between Domme and sub. Most of the pics I post online represent high points in scenes where I’m really having fun and my slaves love seeing themselves featured so they can look back at the fun they were having also (with their identities appropriately protected of coure).
2. Experienced Dommes are experts at tailoring the level of intensity.
I’ve spoken to a lot of slaves who have had their first kink experience with an inexperienced, untrained Domme or with an escort who dabbles in kink, reasoning that the session will be lighter. In my experience training interested ladies and in couples sessions that’s not necessarily the case. Often it’s the inexperienced player who is more likely to suddenly throw a hard stroke or quickly up the intensity, sometimes without even meaning to. Experienced, successful Dommes tend to be versatile players, good at reading body language to gauge response and experts at adjusting the intensity of a given activity.
3. It’s not about you.
You can expect YOUR session with a Domme to be about you and your interests, although of course it’s also about her. It’s unrealistic (not to mention narcissistic) to expect a Mistress or indeed even “your” Mistress to tailor HER social media or blog posts specifically to meet your needs at all times. That post that worries you? She probably has other slaves who think it’s the hottest thing ever.
4. Don’t automatically assume the worst.
I had someone contact me recently who had seen a post form one of my slaves and assumed I’d summoned the slave and then ignored him. Now of course, there’s slaves that would be into that! However he’d simply misread the slaves post about doing a morning “devotional” in my honour in his own home! Sometimes it does pay to take a deep breath, re-read the post and perhaps think about it’s context before jumping to the worst possible conclusion.
5. Sometimes people do post unsafe things.
Not everyone is ethical. Not everyone is trained. Not every play photo you see online depicts safe (or safer, safety is a spectrum) activites. That’s why it’s so important for kinksters to do their own research into the safety of activities, think about harm minimisation, ask questions and think critically.
There’s really no reason to be intimidated by a Domme who plays harder with some of her other slaves than you’re comfortable with.
Be sure to do your research. See a reputable lady and communicate your interests and limits. She won’t feel deprived if she can’t do some of the activities she enjoys with you. Odds are she’ll have another slave she can do that particular thing with if she so desires. Don’t be concerned that she’ll be “bored” playing more lightly with you. In most cases the enjoyment of the session is symbiotic. If you’re having fun and playing on your “edge” then she’s likely to be enjoying herself as well.