Sleeting rain lashed the windows on that cold, miserable Friday night but it barely registered with the two eighteen year old girls swapping makeup, trying on outfits, giggling and drinking as they got ready to go out and it certainly wasn’t audible above the loud industrial music they were playing….Thus began my first fetish event, Sydney’s Hellfire Club then hosted at the infamous Blackmarket.
The rain washed out the city lights as we giggled nervously, huddled together in our overcoats in the back of the cab and our carefully applied makeup got a little smeared as we waited in the line outside in the rain. After our ID was checked we shucked off our damp overcoats to reveal our carefully selected, matching outfits: black leather mini skirts, knee high boots and homemade tops we’d created from old fishnet stockings. We climbed the stairs and walked into what seemed like a whole new world.
Apart from a few solitary dancers everyone was gathered in a circle watching intently as a buxom woman, with an impossibly long ponytail wearing a tight corset expertly flogged a bound submissive to the beat. We nervously edged our way into the circle to watch. From memory, apart from the thrill of the forbidden, that was a pretty anticlimactic night. I think we had a few drinks, chatted to a few people, danced a bit and headed home. We were a little intimidated by the sea of older, more experienced kinksters in infinitely more expensive outfits, but we were also intrigued and we had begun our journey into the world of kink and fetish.
As a very naive 18 year old I had a lot to learn – about kink, about community and about people in general. Here are a few things I know now that I wish I’d known then.
You can be a Domme YOUR way. There’s no one true way to be a Domme
As soon as I became interested in kink I was interested in taking the dominant role; but not too long after I started circulating in the scene I started to question myself. I wasn’t quite sure that I fitted the parameters for a Dominatrix that stereotypical fictional and media representations gave. And I certainly didn’t feel like I fitted inside the Dominatrix box that sub males I was encountering at that stage were projecting upon me.
It took personal growth, time, reflection and interaction with embodied, confident, lifestyle dominant women to come to the conclusion that I could be a Domme my way and that by being my own, real, Dominant self the right submissives would naturally be drawn to, and mould themselves to please me.
There are plenty of kinky people who aren’t part of the scene
A lot of the educational reading material circulating at the time I started exploring kink emphasized the importance of connection with the local scene for meeting fellow kinksters and for safety. Often kinksters who were not connected with their local scene were painted as suspect or dangerous.
Connection with other kinksters is valuable, as is the information that can be gleaned attending workshops and educational events. However not all kinksters are interested in attending munches, going to clubs or sharing their kink with others in play party environments.
There are plenty of perfectly valid perverts who are more introverted, prefer to share their kink only with a romantic partner or carefully selected professional pervert or are more comfortable only seeking kinky community online. Scene oriented kinksters are really only one segment of the yoursession/wonderful perverts out there in the world.
The community doesn’t really police itself
There’s a lot of emphasis out there on portraying the kink scene as a fun, open, safe place to explore your desires and interests. Unfortunately, until the last few years there was little discussion of the dangers of the scene. A lot of the 101 information for beginning kinksters suggests that the kink scene is self-policing. Unfortunately I have not found this to be the case.
You do hear of individuals who are “not welcome in the scene” but unfortunately you also hear reasonably often of individuals who are still very welcome in the scene who have a trail of consent violations and interpersonal destruction behind them.
Abusive individuals can and do set themselves up in positions of influence in niche communities. It’s wise to use someone’s standing in the kink community as a performer, educator, event organizer of generic scene “personality” as only one metric in measuring how “safe” they are to play with or interact with.
It’s sensible to be discerning about who you involve yourself with and to what extent. I would also recommend some reading on the mechanics of grooming and abuse in order to be able to spot problematic patterns and interpersonal red flags.
Perfect Dommes are made not born
The fantasy and culture of dominance can be a tricky place for a beginner. There’s so much emphasis on being all knowing, highly skilled and powerful. This can lead to a lot of fronting from new dominants which can stifle their growth. Learning can be very difficult when you can’t admit that you need to learn!
You don’t need to know everything to be valid and dominant. It’s a journey. Don’t be afraid to reach out for support as a developing Dominant and don’t ever stop learning. Be open to new skills and perspectives and remember that kink specific education is not the only place that you can glean information that will serve you well as a Dominant.
Don’t underestimate the value of platonic kink friendships
A lot of advice about connecting with your local kink community focuses on the motivation of finding a play partner; but while this is understandable and valid, the importance and value of finding other kinksters to connect with on a platonic level is often not emphasized.
Platonic kink friends will be a source of mutual support, be able to attend events and workshops with you and they may even be the ones to introduce you to that desired new play partner.
It’s a tough balance because almost everyone is motivated by play, but you’ll find if you go into the kink community with a mindset of making friends and enjoying people’s company you’ll be more likely to make quality connections, stay safe and have fun.
Your presence as a woman in the community is valid
The kink scene is a sexuality based community. Most people do want to play at some point; but who you play with and how you play are up to you. You don’t have to play with anyone because they’re a big deal in the scene or because they put on a cool party. They’re not entitled to access to you.
It’s ok to be discerning. This doesn’t make you “fake”. Your presence in the community is valid and your sexual/emotional labour as is NOT the price you must pay to exist in kink spaces.
Enjoyed this blog? Be sure to click through to The Femdom Society’s blog hop listings for more ProDomme blogs about “My first” experiences.