Once again it’s FemDom Society Blog Hop time! This time around the topic of discussion is “Visiting a ProDomme”.
In Sydney, after a break for a lockdown or two we’ve been back to sessions for quite some time now. But in the US many Dommes and subs have just been vaccinated and are able to return to the dungeon after a lengthy break. But even though I’ve been back for a few months this is a timely topic for me as I’ve only recently started accepting applications from new submissives again.
First sessions are a favourite of mine. It’s always enjoyable to introduce a new submissive or slave to the world of real time kink, after what is often a lead up of years of longing and fantasy.
1.Welcome to the real world.
Given the ready availability of online play and FemDom porn, most people looking to experience a real time session will be coming to the dungeon with a lot of preconceptions. While some of your experiences with online play and watching videos and clips will apply to your real-time experience, some of them will not. Making the decision to move your play from the convenience and relative safety of the online world to the dungeon can feel like a very big step.
For a start, in person play with a ProDomme involves putting your physical safety into her hands. It also generally involves a larger financial outlay than online play. With these factors in mind, it can be daunting even tackling the task of finding the right person to play with. Remember that while real-time play can seem expensive you’re not just paying for the time spent actually playing, your tribute also covers the many, many hours the Domme has spent honing her craft, not to mention the costs of her equipment and outfits.
It may seem obvious but when I was recently talking to a sub after their first in-person session, they pointed out that something they were not expecting was that a real session doesn’t have awkward or messy moments edited out and you certainly can’t just close your laptop to stop the action when things get a little too much for you. Real-life doesn’t come filtered.
With clips and online you have sight, sound and sometimes self-created or supervised sensation. Real-time play gives you a much richer palette of sensation to experience. Sights, sounds, sensations, smells, tastes – all of which create an immersive, curated atmosphere. It’s a richer, more rewarding experience but also one that is riskier.
Watching someone get spanked is very different to being on the receiving end of that spanking and learning, very quickly and in no uncertain terms that YES it really does sting!
2.Be a nerd.
True nerdiness is optional (but extremely common in the kink world), however, an enquiring mind does come in handy as doing your research is crucial to you having a great first-time session experience.
There are lots of sites around with information for newbies. It’s a good idea to start with these to gain a general impression of the kink and professional kink landscape, not to mention familiarising yourself with the terminology and basic protocols. Creating a twitter account and following local kink professionals can also be illuminating.
When you’re at a point where you’re becoming sure you want to make a session happen it’s time to seriously start researching which Domme you feel is the best fit for you. There are a lot of amazing, skilled, kink professionals out there. Conversely, it’s important to remember that virtually anyone can have photos done, pop up a website and call themselves a Domme. Be alert to the presence of outright scammers in the FemDom space, who often steal pictures and other content from established Dominas. Find tips for avoiding scams here.
Be sure to thoroughly read the websites (yes they should have one) of the Dommes you find interesting. Enjoy the hot pics but be sure to check that her interests and limitations are a reasonable match to yours and that you are comfortable with her approach to FemDom. Many Dommes have blogged fairly extensively and this is a great way to gain an in-depth understanding of her approach.
In addition to this most Dommes now have an extensive social media presence so it’s never been easier to find out a little more about them. Social media tends to be a little more off the cuff compared to carefully curated website copy but her general presence on social media shouldn’t be completely at odds with how she presents herself on her website.
3. Nerves are normal.
It’s normal to be nervous before a session. Even experienced submissives get pre-session nerves, even more so when they’re playing with someone new. Experienced Dommes understand that new submissives are nervous. When you arrive for your session a skilled Dominatrix will take steps to put you at ease and ensure that you’re mentally present and relaxed enough to actually enjoy your session.
As a functioning adult though it’s important that you step up and take responsibility for managing your own emotional experience. Don’t expect a Domme to coax you step by step through her booking process. Don’t make bookings that you’re not ready to follow through on. Make contact when you’re prepared and ready.
Once you’ve done your research and made an informed decision there’s a point where you just have to make the jump and have some faith that you’ve put yourself in the hands of the right Mistress.
4. If you can see a doctor, you can see a Dominatrix.
The number one thing to remember here is that you are making a booking with a professional. If you can successfully make and keep appointments with vanilla professionals like doctors, dentists or hairdressers then you’ve already got the skills to make an appointment with a Dominatrix.
This process can be as easy as you let it be! Most Dommes will make their appointment process clear for new applicants so be sure to thoroughly read their website prior to making contact in order to make the best possible impression. Follow the process she outlines and give her all the information she requests upfront.
As is common with many personal services businesses Dommes often ask for appointments to be secured with a deposit. While not every Domme requires a deposit being unwilling to provide one will certainly limit your choices and it’s exceedingly unlikely that a Domme who commonly requires deposits will decide to make an exception for you.
5. No spoilers.
When you apply for your session you will be asked to provide information on your interests and limits. You will most likely (in my case you WILL) be asked to go over these again in person in the pre-session chat. This information provides the backbone that the Domme structures your session experience around. Do be realistic though. If you have many interests then it’s unlikely every single one of them will be covered in your first one-hour session.
As a new player, there’s a tendency to want to know EXACTLY what will happen in your session. I have a very boring and sensible answer to that question “You will have a BDSM/Kink experience with me at a light/medium level that incorporates your known interests and respects your limits.”
You will struggle to find a Domme who will give you a detailed account of exactly what will happen in your session before it happens. Dommes are often contacted by timewasters who have no intention of booking but want to hear lurid erotic fiction of what might happen in a session.
The other big factor at play here is that sessions are a live and responsive experience. With the exception of very specific roleplay scenes we often start a session with a rough plan in place only to find that the energy of the scene takes us elsewhere. A lot of the best ideas in session come on the fly. A big part of the magic of sessioning is finding out just how a particular Domme is going to bring your interests and fantasies to life in the moment.
6. Consent is necessary.
Everyone has their limits, this includes the Domme! You should expect that your limits are respected in session and she also expects the same!
Don’t be turned off if one of the Domme you’re interested in’s specialties is something that is a limit for you. A good Domme will be adjusting session content to focus on areas of mutual interest. There will be plenty of other subs with whom she can indulge in other areas of interest.
Informed consent is quality consent. I’m always happy to discuss the risks vs rewards of various session activities as I understand them. In addition to this, I think it’s crucial for subs to independently research the specific kink activities that interest them. Be aware that opinions will differ so it’s vital that you explore a variety of sources and make your own informed decisions on what safety looks like for you.
A safeword and its use will be discussed during your pre-session chat. Consent is fluid and you can withdraw consent at any time.
7. Prep on the day of your first session.
Crucial: If you’ve been asked to confirm your attendance on the day make sure this happens at the time you’ve been instructed to make contact, or possibly before. A late confirmation will often mean that the session you’ve been looking forward to will not go ahead.
- Try to get a decent night’s rest the night before the session, this may be a challenge if you’re very nervous but it’s good to be well-rested.
- Be well hydrated, but not overly hydrated so that you’re running constantly to the bathroom.
- Don’t starve yourself. Eat lightly a few hours before the session. Low blood sugar does not combine well with intense play experiences.
- If anal play is an interest you will need to research how to best clean yourself out for the experience. This process can take a few hours and tends to go wrong if rushed.
- Plan out your travel to the dungeon. You will want to arrive with a bit of breathing space to spare. Nothing makes pre-session nerves worse than worrying about being late or having to rush.
- If you have a gift for the Domme be sure it’s packed.
- Pack a few small personal essentials to freshen up when you arrive at the dungeon.
8. Manage your expectations.
Sometimes intro sessions flow seamlessly and sometimes they can be a little awkward. Like so many things in life bottoming or subbing is a SKILL. Your intro session and indeed your early sessions are going to involve a steep learning curve for you. There’s a lot to learn! New commands, learning how to be moved around the room, protocols and boundaries. There’s also a myriad of new sensations and experiences to process.
It’s also quite an unnatural experience. You’re opening up about and then acting on long-held desires with someone you’ve literally just met. Good Dommes are fantastic at building emotionally safe spaces and creating connection and some people naturally seem to thrive on the thrill of playing with new people. Others do take time to open up, relax and feel comfortable. It’s ok to be the type of person who takes a while to warm up!
In your first session, lots of things are going to be strange, new or even a little awkward. Try and give things a genuine chance. Intro sessions are all about new experiences and you do need to give things a genuine “go”.
9. It’s a collaboration.
The Mistress is your guide and mentor in the session experience but it’s important that you contribute energy as well. A session is a co-created space, it’s a dance, the Domme will be carefully looking for and monitoring your reactions to gauge how activities are going, and when things need to be changed. Don’t fall into the trap of play-acting exaggerated reactions. This can be distracting and misleading. It’s more a case of ALLOWING your natural reactions to flow and be expressed. Again this is a skill and can be particularly difficult in a societal environment of overthinking and bodily repression.
10. The Big Comedown.
Be aware that you may experience sub drop in the hours or days following your session. As well as all the expectation and pre-session excitement great sessions do tend to raise a lot of endorphins. What goes up must come down and once you’ve returned to the real world you may feel a bit depressed, flat or excessively tired.
Just being mindful that this can happen is important but it’s also smart to have a plan in place to take a little extra care of yourself after the session. Think in advance about feel-good activities and prepare so they are easy for you to access.
I allow time after my sessions for a short aftercare period. This normally involves a debrief, perhaps some chocolate, a shower and some water. I welcome a debrief/check-in via email after sessions if it’s needed.
I’m really excited that I can once again introduce people to the experience of real-life sessioning that I have found so exciting and rewarding in my life. Making the move to real-time can be scary and feel like a big step but so often it’s the start of a new dimension to life that can’t be matched. If you’re interested in taking that step with me my booking information can be found here.